Swinging in the Suburbs

My husband is out of town for the holiday weekend and I didn’t feel like doing any of the NYE parties alone. We had a little text exchange yesterday on his drive out of town that cracked me up:

HIM: Happy new year babes!  Hope you are having a great day.. and thanks again for being so cool with me going this weekend.. Just let me know how to make it up to you ; )

ME: Sex with black men and bi-sexual men**

HIM: What about straight white guys?**

ME: Yes those too.

HIM: Hmmmm.. well you drive a hard bargain.. Ok.. I can do that. ; )

That little exchange made me smile.  I mean isn’t compromise the most important thing for a successful, happy marriage?

Notes:
** I will have to create a post describing my fantasies involving bi-sexual men.
** My husband is both straight and white.

Swinging is a funny world. By definition, we are all in this lifestyle because sex is fun and we want the freedom to explore our sexuality both within and outside our marriage. However, there is this odd sort of judgment that happens when people think that others are too “slutty.” Like most things in the world, you will always find people who are playing more often than you are and those who are playing less often. We have friends, a couple, who play way more often than we ever would want to. Sometimes my husband and I find ourselves judging them and asking ourselves how they could possibly play what seems like nearly every night of the week. I try so hard to remember that there may be other couples who think that my husband and I play too often or perhaps that our style isn’t right because not only do we play in separate rooms, but we go out on separate dates as well. This lifestyle shouldn’t be about judgment. The couple in question is completely on the same page WITH EACH OTHER and that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter what my husband and I or anyone else thinks.

Now, if there is a discrepency WITHIN the marriage regarding the frequency of play, then that is something to talk about. We have had so many discussions about what place swinging has in our lifestyle and how often we should or want to be playing. I admit that when we first took the plunge last July, I wanted to go out at least one night each weekend (either Friday or Saturday night). That isn’t to say that I expected to have sex every single time, but I wanted to be out and be seen and get to know people and hopefully at least most of the time have some sex at the end of the night. The other thing that comes into play is that once I play, I find that I really want to play again very soon. Sex has always been a lot like exercise for me; the longer I go without, the easier it is to continue to go without, but once you get some, you want more very soon. So hubby and I were going through these phases where we would play over the weekend and I would be feeling ready for another play date by about Tuesday, while my husband would feel like he could wait at least a couple weeks or more for our next “swinging escapade.”

Our frequency has greatly reduced over the past year as the newness of swinging has worn off. Things have equalized a bit for us and we are able to keep life a bit more in balance than maybe we were able to in the beginning. I have had two playdates during each of the last three months (August, September, and October). Those six playdates break down as follows: one couples date where we did a same room-full swap, one mfm (male-female-male) with hubby and a new guy, and 2 one-on-one playdates each with two of my favorite playmates. Hubby says his ideal schedule for us is to have 0-3 playdates per month, so I am falling right in line with that. We are both feeling ready for another playdate soon and it’s possible that hubby will get his chance this weekend and with one of his favorite playmates!! Keeping my fingers crossed for him.

Here is a little funny that came to me via email:

“I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….”

I recently received an email seeking advice on how it works to share your spouse with others.  I will do my best to answer based on our own experience.  First, here’s the question:

Hi there!  I am the wifey in a loving beautiful marriage that has gone on for 14 years now.  I want to let go of my boundaries with my husband so we can freely explore the way we want to.  We have had experiences with different women together while we have been married but I have a slightly difficult time with jealousy-  I really like my man and sometimes I don’t neccessarily want to share him. ;)  I’d love to hear about you guys, if you would like to share with another little wifey the “secrets” of being openminded and enjoying a healthy sex life together without the hang ups of any awkward feelings that may come.  It is an awesome blessing to be married to my best friend and I want to give so many great experiences to him in our lifetime.  Perhaps your insight can help me shed my inhibitions appropriately.

First of all, thanks to the writer of the question who allowed me to post her question to my blog.  I don’t claim to know all the answers here, but I can provide my own experience and hopefully it can help others who are interested in pursuing a non-traditional sexuality in their marriage.

Anyone who describes their marriage as loving and beautiful is definitely in the right frame of mind to begin considering stretching the boundaries of monogamy within their relationship.  Sharing your partner sexually with other people will shine a light on any insecurities or problems that are pre-existing in the relationship.  Please don’t take this to mean that you need to wait until your marriage is perfect before beginning your explorations.  No marriage is perfect!  What you do need, however, is a willingness to examine these feelings as they crop up and have true, open, honest communication with your spouse.  When we decided to take a more serious look at the lifestyle last year, it was important to me that any text message flirtations were saved on each of our phones and that we read them at the end of a day.  I didn’t want any “secret” flirting going on that I wasn’t aware of, and I didn’t want to feel as though I was texting things to other men that I wouldn’t want my husband to see/read.  So even on the days when he told me that I could delete the messages without him reading them, I’d ask him to please just read them anyway.  It was a bit of a safety net for me.

I love the part of your email where you say that you really like your hubby and don’t necessarily want to share him.  I have this exact same feeling.  There are some couples in the lifestyle who get really turned on by the idea of their spouse fucking other people.  For me, it’s never been about that.  Instead, I enjoy the freedom to explore my sexuality with other partners and am willing to offer my husband that same freedom because I love him, but also because I am getting something in return.  You don’t mention your sexuality in your email.  I know that many women in the lifestyle are bi-sexual, but for me, threesomes with other women would never be a satisfying option for me in this lifestyle.  I am 100% straight and enjoy men so much (both in and out of the bedroom).   You say in your email that you want to “give so many great experiences” to your husband in your lifetime.  I would encourage you to think of the lifestyle not as something you are giving to your husband, but an exciting adventure that the two of you are embarking upon.  An adventure which both of you can and should get equal enjoyment from.  Think about your own needs, wants, and desires and how the lifestyle might help you explore them.  Then consider offering your husband the kind of freedom he needs to do the same.

Welcome to our brand new blog! We are a happily married couple living in the suburbs who also happen to be swingers. Yes, that’s right, we have recreational sex with other singles and couples. It’s not exactly an open marriage, but more of a hobby that we share. We first began exploring “the lifestyle” (as it is known to insiders) very early in our marriage. We have had a variety of experiences over the years and the level of our involvement has varied. Some years we were simply experimenting, other years we were completely monogamous, and there was even a spell where we were almost celibate. Last year, we joined an online lifestyle website and we are more involved than ever. In our eighteen years of marriage, we have really learned a lot about ourselves, our relationship, sexuality, communication, and so much more. Swinging has been a huge part of that.

I am so excited about this blog for many reasons. I have blogged off and on since the early 90’s. I find it is a great way to express myself, explore my inner psyche, connect with a larger audience, share my insights, and learn from myself and others. In addition, the last year of being in the lifestyle has really allowed me to watch the dynamics of other couples trying to navigate this alternative sexuality. It can be really difficult and sometimes causes some tension for couples. Although my husband and I aren’t immune to this tension, we seem to have a pretty good handle on it, and I think we have some insight to share with others.

So, if you happen to be here for our very first post, we’d love to hear from you! What kind of posts interest you? Do you have any questions we can answer for you? Looking very forward to this new blogging adventure!